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Triangling and Secrets in Teams - A Team Tip

Triangling is a negative force in groups, as sub groups are created, forming a shared perspective of being 'against the boss', or 'against an individual'.

• A team mate goes to your boss and complains about your behaviour, and your boss lets you know
• Your boss gripes to you he doesn't think much of the recent work of one of your colleagues
• Two peers moan about the behaviour of a third, in your hearing…
• A peer comes up to you, 'Don't tell Fred but….' knowing you are buddies with Fred

It's gossip, it is the stuff secrets are made from, it breaks trust, and it's destructive. It is also known as triangling. It is a negative force in groups, as sub groups are created, forming a shared perspective of being 'against the boss', or 'against an individual'. Secrets are created in this way, 'don't tell so and so, but….'.

What's happening? The griper is asking you to be a confidante, yet they haven't let the person concerned know their feeling or concern. Why not? It may be they are anxious about the response they will get, they may not have the necessary skills, or it may be they are a trouble maker. What to do? Find ways to get concerns out into the open.

Let the person know directly your response to the particular thing they are doing. 'When you go on about xyz, I don't like it. I prefer we discussed something we are both interested in.'

'Boss, Bill has told me you have made a complaint about me to him. I'm hurt and upset you didn't discuss this with me. Can we make a time, you let me know what's bothering you, and let's see if we can't get something better going.'

'I'm wondering if you speak about me like this to others - I don't like it!'

'Fred, Ann just told me she thinks abc about you? Why don't the three of us sit down and get something better going between us. Maybe what's working and what isn't. And make a plan from there.'

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